Autumn has come upon us, with Autumn we have a time to let go. We have the time to let go of people, places, things, painful memories, negative thoughts and behaviours that no longer serve our best lives. We need to look deep inside ourselves and release it all with a passion, intentionally and unapologetically.
Here in Tucson, Arizona we have been getting rain and much cooler weather. We had warnings of heavy rain fall and flooding due to the tropical storm that came up from Mexico. We had 4 days of rain and it was wonderful, I felt inspired for the first time in a long time. The last time I was inspired like that was in 2011, I even wrote a poem about the weather and posted on a pagan social media website where it received a lot of ridicule. Funny how the ones that are supposed to be so “open minded” are the ones who ridiculed me the worst. We had hail, wind, lightning and thunder that shook our house as well as rain, which only got me excited and completely inspired by the beginning of Autumn. For me it was the perfect kick off to Autumn.
I began stripping off the layers of pain over the course of this year and with each stripping I felt the pain and grief, then I started to feel the healing. This is a rough 9 months of the year for me, it’s funny as I write that out, I can hear the Universe tell that I am about to re-born into someone better. I am about to give birth to myself, a changed person after the many years of pain and heartache, all the years of torment that I lived through. I have stripped myself of all of that and now I can be who I am freely and unapologetically. Of course, I have the deep seeded fear of who is going to read this and start more shit for my life, of course, that has been a concern of mine and why I haven’t finished writing this entry until now.
I am not the same woman I was a month ago, a 6 months ago, a year ago or even further back. I am no longer the doormat, the silenced one, the one who holds it in until she explodes all over the place. I have been this woman that is free to speak her mind without fear. I am the woman who gets up every morning, has her coffee, spends time with her husband and fur-babies, gets the house taken care of and then goes to work. I am no longer afraid of what this person says or that person says about me, it’s their opinion and if they are not in my life now then they do not honestly know who I have become. If they have not been in my life through it all, the good, the bad and the really ugly stuff then they really don’t know me.
I can’t think of a single person who has honestly stood by me through all of the adult stuff other than Ron, my husband. I don’t have a single friend who saw me through the child abuse, the molestation, the abandonment from my parents, the car accident, the rape, the abortion, the abusive 1st marriage, the birth of my daughters, the bitter divorce, the loss of custody of my children, the deaths of my brothers, the deaths of my grandparents, the step-daughter drama, the septic shock near death experience and everything else in between. Not one person has been there through it all with me, Ron was with me through the adult years since 1988, yet not one friend or person other than him has been through it all. I went through it all on my own, I didn’t have a friend to be there to support me. I didn’t turn to drugs or getting falling down drunk, I turned within myself to get through it all. There was no “Christian God” who saw me through it either. I did this on my own, I made it through each traumatic phase of my life to another without help.
In fact, those who should have been there turned their backs, because I needed them and could not be there for them. I went through my final traumatic even last year and those I reached out to abandoned me. I had to pull myself together to see that they were not who I thought they were anvd that they were not and never will be strong enough to be in my life. With this new season of my life, with the rains washing away all the stuff in the air, I released all of this into the Universe and allowed the rains to wash away all my pain, my anger and my bitterness. When the sun came back to us, I felt refreshed and changed in a big way, my awakening from the darkness has truly happened.
Yes!! I am a badass, strong woman and I picked myself up out of a life of abuse, trauma, drama and torment. I have faced my demons head on and dealt with them, I even danced with them and had a party with them. My skeletons were cleaned out for me and left out for all the world to see on other people’s Twitters, blogs and Facebook accounts. Those of you who splattered my life with your poison, I want to say thank you for showing the world who you thought I was and who you wanted me to be.
Now I get to show the world who I truly am, in my own words, with my own style, and with my own voice. My hiatus is over with my writing, I am ready to be alive again. The change is real, the growth is real, the awakening from within is real.
Are you ready to get to know the real me?