Ah, November you are finally here and it’s almost the end of 2019, what a year it’s been! I can’t say that there was anything super traumatic here for us, in fact it’s a been a huge year of great things that happened for us and happiness. It’s been a great year of self discovery as well. I learned more about myself this year than in latter years, I got more in touch with myself and fell in love with parts of who I am, wanted to bring back parts of me that I once loved and became who I am today. I am not finished growing or changing, the way I love to put it is I am unwritten and my story is not finished. It’s just begun and I am the author of my life, I change it anyway that I want to change it or I can keep it the same.
Keeping it the same is counter productive in my opinion as there is always room to grow, to mature, to change, to gain wisdom and to be immature all at the same time. I don’t believe in keeping with the “norm”, change is always good and it’s exciting to do. I have heard it said that you cannot go back to who you once were, while I believe that is true to an extent, you can always take the best parts of who you once were and add it to who you are or who are you becoming.
That is where I am at in my life now, taking all the best parts of my former self and adding it to who I am now, ridding myself of who I was and becoming a better person each day. During the month of October as much as I wanted to write out that I was thinking and feeling to share with others, I kept to myself. I spent the entire month releasing so much deep inside and let myself sit in the darkness for awhile so I can clean out all the toxicity that was still within me. I sat alone with myself, got honest and real with myself. I cried a lot during the month of October, it was my month of pure release, my month to honestly let go. My month for the damaged person that carried with me for 49 years, Rachel, to be laid to rest so that I can be free from the inner prison that I had kept myself in for many years.
I have removed most if not all of the toxic relations that drained the life out of me. Some of those relations just removed themself from my life on their own, I am much happier without them. I am no longer looking to rebuild bridges that were burned or relationships that are incinerated. I believe that there are some relations can be looked back on with love, there may be moments of happiness in there and we can cherish those. I also believe that while we may have happy memories, we cannot allow those to cloud the reality that those relations are no longer for us, they are no longer who we are. Sometimes we outgrow our relations with others and become someone different than than the people we had relationships with. Sometimes we have to honor what we had and move on with our lives. Just walk away, wish the others well and move forward with our lives. That is where I am at now.
I am no longer craving the “friendships”, the “relationships” or the time with a few people from my past. I even stopped missing them. I released myself from the prison that I kept myself, I released the need to be in their lives and for them to be in mine. I stopped mourning what was and started living in the now. I stopped visiting Facebook profiles, Facebook pages, blogs, Twitter accounts, Instagram accounts to see what others were doing or saying. I finally walked away and haven’t looked back. I am finally free from that prison.
I am finally happy and in a good place in my life, where I no longer miss New Jersey or New York. I do not want to live there, I don’t want to be there anymore, I am happy to be in Arizona, this is my home. This is my home, it’s where I wanted to be since I was little, it’s where my heart is, not New Jersey or New York. I am embracing Arizona, loving the land here, loving the people here, loving the diversity and the cultures that are here. It’s my home of my heart, it always has been.
I may have been born in New Jersey and raised there, I am an Arizona woman at heart and spirit.