I have been trying to write for the last few weeks, every time I start to write something I end up deleting it. I have written at least 4 different entries to this blog and of course each time, they sit and get deleted after a bit. It’s part of my healing process, it helps to write it out and not share it, it gets my thoughts out and I can feel the healing really taking place this time. I have sat here thinking “SHIT!! Am I the Wild Sassy Diva that I want to believe that I am?” Then I get to thinking “Is Live Unapologetically Brazen the right name for my blog?” It’s thoughts like these that have plagued me since I first came online. It’s just part of the whole self-identity issue that I have carried with me since I first came online in 1995, the internet is such a double-edged sword for me. While it’s helped me meet people, find information on places, people and things, it’s part of the reason that I am reclusive and unsure of who I am. I see so many “perfect” people living such “perfect” lives that I believe mine sucks.
I became this way after many years of people telling me that I am “too much”. I am sure you wonder what I mean by “too much”, what I mean is that no matter what I did, said, ate or wrote, I was always too much for someone. Of course, people need to express their opinions of your life to you, most of the people who I had in my life loved to stifle me, shush me into silence or make me feel as though I was never good enough, never deserving to be happy or deserved to be who I am. I believed this!!! I believed that what others told me or demanded of me was the truth of who I am. I have lived so many years, almost a lifetime of trying to improve and prove myself.
As my biological mother put it, I was always trying to come up with the “new and improved Rachel” since I was a child. I used to try to find a new laugh, a new smile, a new personality to have, basically I was always looking to be “new and improved” as a child, as young as 2 years old and why is that? Sitting here writing that out and reading my own words, just now gave me a “WOW” moment!! Think about it, ever since I was a child I never had parents who encouraged self-esteem or self-confidence, they never wanted me to just be myself. It was always a struggle to appear to be someone that I wasn’t. I was never just loved for who I was, never appreciated for who I was. I always felt I had to be better, be new and improved for them to want me and love me. As young as a toddler I felt this strain on my life, I never had a chance to know myself or connect with me myself.
I never knew that I was good enough just for being alive, to be present in other people’s lives. The only people in my life who let me just be myself were my Grandparent’s Todd, they were the only ones growing up who just loved me for me. They didn’t demand that I suffocate who I was or change to suit them. They loved me being wacky and fun. I miss them so much.
The only person who saw me through my facade was Ron, my husband, he somehow saw through it all and fell in love with me at first sight in 1989, thirty years ago. He watched me go through so much stuff, all the while being my best friend as he was too shy to tell me how much he loved me back then. He watched me date the wrong guy and never pushed to stop me, he let me just do what I thought was the “right thing” to do at that time. He watched me marry this guy, he didn’t have much of a choice as my ex-husband is his stepbrother, he went through the excruciating pain of watching the woman he loved marry the wrong guy. I believed my ex-husband was the “perfect man” to marry, I was wrong there. I did what I presumed would make my family happy, while I wasn’t happy at all. My father realized that on the day of my wedding in 1995, he walked me down the aisle saying “It’s not too late, we can leave now if you don’t want to marry him.” I told my father “I am pregnant I have to marry him.” I think that is when my father realized what he and my mother ingrained toward me. I married the man that I didn’t love, didn’t want to be with because I was pregnant and it was the “right” thing to do. After all, it was what they did, they stayed married for us kids, never caring or maybe realizing the damage that they did in staying married to each other. They divorced in 1994 after my father had an affair and left my mother.
I stayed with him until 2002, when Ron showed me how he felt about me. I had the affair with my ex-husband’s stepbrother, my best friend and in the beginning, I beat myself up over it. I was torn over the “right thing to do” according to my family and society and the “right thing to do” for myself for my well being. So when you read that just think and remember that I tore myself apart over this, I beat myself up so badly. I felt guilty for loving Ron, for being in love with Ron since 1989 and never giving him my heart until the affair. I felt guilty for what I did to my ex-husband, to our families, and our children. No one can know what I was going through inside. No one should judge me for my life choice or have anything to say about me having the affair and marrying the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate, the one that I was meant to be with since day one. Say what you want and write what you want about me, unless you lived my living or had to go through what I did, your opinion doesn’t matter anymore. Just be sure your life is perfect in every way and that you have always done the right thing.
This brings me here, to today, to this blog post. I have been turning off the TV, silencing my iPhone, going offline, putting away the books to read, turned off the music to let myself think, to let myself feel, to pull the darkness out so that I can process 49-years of shit!! In going through this throughout this year, I am finding who I am. I have seen a meme saying you cannot find yourself, as you were never lost, I can wholeheartedly disagree with this. When you are not given real unconditional love and acceptance as a child, you get lost in what others want you to be, you never really find your true self in the darkness that others bestow on you. You become a fake person, never really sure of who you are. I became this fake person, always looking to improve myself, never really feeling like I was good enough for anyone especially myself. This is where I am changing all of that.
People with such fake facades putting it out there that their lives are perfect because Goddess forbids anyone to share who they really are or what their lives are really like online. We cannot be honest and tell each other on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or even in our blogs, let alone offline how we feel or what we are dealing with. You know it’s airing your “dirty laundry” so shhh don’t tell anyone what you are feeling, what you are going through, what you are eating or anything personal about yourself. Keep being fake, keep wearing the social media mask that everyone wears. I am just going to say this out loud!!! I want to know the real you with all the good and the bad. I would rather know real people than fake people. Don’t be afraid to be real with me. I think that we need to come together as a collective unit to share our real lives. I don’t want to hide anymore and be shushed into silence in showing who I am. I want to be able to share my real thoughts and who I am for real. I want to be proud of who I am, have self-confidence and self-esteem. I want to walk taller and feel that I deserve to be happy and deserve all the greatness that the Universe has for me. I want to believe this and claim it, I want to live it.
I will end this entry now as it was a very emotional, a very enlightening one and a very personal one for me to write.