I Choose Me: Breaking Free From My Own Prison

I have been a bit quiet not sharing anything too personal these last few days online, at work and at home. I shared my estranged daughter Hannah’s website that was a public domain website on my Facebook and the page for this blog, as well as with others such as my sister, Ron and my closest friends. I was so proud to see her designs as she is a fashion designer in NYC. I am still very proud of her. Well, she found out that I did it, she took the time to unblock me from Facebook and private message me. She demanded that I remove it from my Facebook or else she will report me for sharing her public domain website, as she did not permit me to share it. She also took her website down.
She also told me “I am a full-grown adult woman who can make my own decisions. I do not want to be associated with you.”
I did write back saying “I am your mother and I am proud of you. Your website is a public domain and I do not have to have your permission to share it. What happened between your father and me was between us and had nothing to do with you girls. You and your sister should try to get to know me.” There was no further response.

My heartfelt completely broken and for the last few days, I have been keeping to myself. I haven’t talked much here in the house with Ron as I was feeling like a complete failure in life. I cried a lot. The way I used to be would be to jump on my blog, Facebook and any other outlets and lash out in anger towards her and the people who raised her (her father and his girlfriend), instead, I reached out to a few trusted people about this seeking some kind of wisdom, advice, and support. I got answers and support as to how to handle this. Everyone was on the same accord to just let it go now, grieve what I don’t have with them, don’t get consumed with the grief, let my daughters go and live my life to the fullest without them. Just move forward at this point.
I have to admit I have spent 2006 – 2019 pining after them, obsessed with believing that we will be reunited one day and things will need to be talked about, healing will need to happen and maybe we can be together happily. After this interaction, it is now clear that we may never reunite, at least not with the hatred that has been seeded into them by the other influences that they have had. I am having to face that harsh reality and it hurts, it also empowers me to be stronger and rise again from the ashes.

I got up yesterday reached out to my best friend and told her that I decided that I need to let my daughters, his daughter, former friends, former acquaintances, and my parents go. If you are one of these people visiting my blog, know that I am no longer allowing you into my life. I will no longer allowed myself to be abused or mistreated by anyone.

I was obsessed for so many years in trying to make amends with everyone that I had fights, arguments and falling outs with, and it always failed. When it failed and things went back down into burning flames, I would feel guilty, shameful, like I didn’t do enough to keep these people in my life. Maybe I needed to change to get them to want me, to love me, to approve of me. I blamed myself, I never blamed them. I always felt I needed to do more, be more and put all the burden on myself to make things right, even if they didn’t care to be bothered to do the same. I drained and depleted myself with the need to be wanted and loved by the wrong people.

I wanted so badly to wanted, loved, appreciated and needed by the wrong people that I never gave the right people a chance to be in my life. I put up strong high walls around my heart to keep those toxic people in and keep the good people out. I did it ass backwards. I held on to tightly to those people. I would stalk blogs, Facebook profiles, Twitter accounts, Instagrams, Pinterest and yes even Google the shit out of them. I found what I thought I wanted and look where it got me, nowhere, in tears once again, heartbroken.

I have been the queen of one sided relationships and I have chosen to let go of my need to be loved, appreciated and wanted by these people. I am removing myself from all communications with them, even going so far as blocking them at this point. I am deleting saved photos and stuff that I collected of then over the years off of my iCloud account. I just have to stop abusing myself in looking at them, it hurts so much to look and see photos of how happy we were together when I did get to see them.

I realize that in trying to get their love and approval of me I am only abusing myself by allowing them to mistreat me. I can no longer do this to myself. I need to love and approve of myself. I need to want to live my life to the fullest, be happy, be confident in myself, be at peace with all the choices I made in life. I need to move on with my life and live it the best that I can live it with Ron and our furbabies and those in our life.

No more guilt, bitterness, anger, self-loathing, self-hatred, shame or regrets. I cannot change the past. I can only move forward and keep working to be the better person that I want to be for me, not for them like I was trying to do. Trying to be a better person for them, hoping that that one day they will see I am not who they have told I am or who I was only put me in a prison of always trying to change, never accepting myself for who I am and never loving myself for who I am.

This needs to change and I am changing starting today!! I am loving myself, loving my life and being who I am for me!! Fuck everyone else!! Their opinions of my life and how I live it does not matter anymore to me. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and most are full of shit.

Loving myself means living unapologetically without abandon. It means wearing the makeup I want to wear, doing my hair the way I want it, wearing the clothes I want to wear, wearing whatever footwear I want to wear. It means decorating my house my way, not anyone else’s. It means making love to Ron, having fun in the bedroom or anywhere in the house with him as I want to sexually. It means eating the food that I want to eat. It means being the real witch that I know I am mean to be not listening to what others say I should be. It means having the career that I have and being proud of where I am in my career and striving to always better myself there. It means being proud of the obsessive compulsive perfectionist that I am. It means no longer stalking others online to see if they are saying or writing shit about me. It means doing whatever the fuck I want to do with my life as I chooose.

To those of you who are choosing to walk with me on this journey I appreciate and love all of you so very much. Thank you for being here with me.

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