I really want to make this the year of living much better than I have with not just intention, I want to live it with action, not just words. I can do this as I am putting my all into making this a kick-ass year for myself, Ron and the girls. I started reading real books again, not just the Kindle ones but real handheld books again. I decided today that I am going to meditate every day, I am not good at this, I used to be really good at it. I feel as though I am a beginner, which in essence after 7 years I am kind of am a beginner.
Saturday, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. Arizona time, made coffee, took a shower, weighed in (I lost more weight), did the dishes that were in the sink from the night before, a load of laundry, fed the girls and took them out to relieve themselves. As I am doing all of this, I hear Angela Bassett’s voice in my head from the movie “Waiting To Exhale” going through her list of what she needs to do and then she thinks “I’d clone myself, but I wouldn’t have time for the surgery.” I had to laugh at myself.
I am always busy with something, however, I find the time to make sure that the house is taken care of, I am taken care of, the girls are taken care of, Ron is taken care of *winks* and I still manage to work a full-time job. I find time to read books, go online and do other things that make me happy as well. I make the time for what I enjoy which is part of my promise to myself for this year as well.
I figured after all my busyness of the morning that I would sit quietly on the couch in our living room and try to meditate. The only sounds I heard were the dishwasher running and the heat kicking on, it was only 60 degrees in the house. I was hell-bent not to turn the heat on but when Kona tried to get in my lap to get warm, I know it’s time to turn on the heat, not to mention my hands were getting cold. Chloe was on the couch nearby me, Kona decided to go curl up in bed with Ron. He was suffering from a bad headache from exhaustion, so I let him sleep in our bed with the new sheets and quilt that we have on it. I kept the blinds and curtains closed so he could rest when I usually open them as soon as I get out of bed. His phone was on the coffee table so it was not disturbing him. I made sure this house was peaceful, drama free and quiet, the way we love it to be.
I told Alexa, “Alexa set the timer for 5 minutes”, she responds with “5 minutes starts now”. I closed my eyes, Chloe snuggles up to me, which is fine, the dishwasher and heat are running, okay cool. The wind is blowing outside making my wind chimes chime.
I am supposed to sit quiet, be still, empty my mind, not really think of anything, this is easy, right? NOT!!!
“Yeah, I’ma need some whiskey glasses. If I’m gonna make it through” is in my head.
“STOP STOP STOP!! No whiskey glasses! STOP!”
“Oh CRAP there are thoughts! SHIT!”
“Clear your thoughts, clear your thoughts!! FUCK STOP THINKING!!”
“BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT!!”
“FUCK is it 5 minutes yet?”
“Well, I guess this takes time and practice to do.” “Damnit RAE! Stop thinking!! Close it off and STOP!”
“I can’t wait to blow up my exercise ball.”
“I want corned beef hash for breakfast.”
“Oh, I love this silence right now. Oh, heat please warm me up before I have to run to the store.”
“Seriously though is the fucking 5 minutes over yet?”
“I need to write about this in my journal, keep my meditational stuff in my journal along with my thoughts and I am even gonna share it on my blog, it’s a good laugh. Maybe someone will read it and laugh with me, saying that they understand.”
“DAMNIT! Is that damned timer gonna go off already? So much for shutting off my thoughts for today.”
“DAMNIT RAE!! Stop thinking just stop!! BE STILL!! BE QUIET!!”
“TEE HEE BE STILL BE QUIET!! Now I belong on that movie She’s All That!!” Giggle giggle
The alarm goes off, well that didn’t work out like I thought it would. I opened my eyes and laughed at myself. Well this first time coming back to meditating may not have been the stellar moment in my life. I have been reading a book and it says that when you start over or start out with meditating to watch what happens, your mind is running crazy with thoughts. As hard as you try the first time, your brain is not being quiet or still, it takes time to do this. I need to give myself time.
I got up to grab my MacBook Pro to write about this, I see my new exercise ball that I just bought from Amazon, sitting in the box on the coffee table staring at me, waiting to be blow up and used. I hear it screaming at me “Well come on fat bitch open me, blow me up and use me!!” I think to myself “I will do it in a little bit, I still need to go to Safeway for food, I am hungry today. I didn’t eat much yesterday.” I was surprised when I weighed in to see that I did lose weight, especially after eating a few pieces of french bread and drinking 3 16-oz glasses of margaritas on Friday night. I was stressed out from the week I had and stressed from trying to go bra shopping Friday.
I decided that I would be better Saturday, I will be on track. I was going to eat healthier, not skips meals. I have allowed myself to have one day a week, where I don’t have to be strict, where I can be bad and eat some carbs. I lost 5 lbs since January 1st. I am proud fucking proud of myself, I said I would do it and I am doing it. I am sticking to it and staying firm with myself. I am happy to say Saturday I stayed on track. I made healthy meals and even created my own recipes which I shared on this blog.
Yesterday I got up, I didn’t even try to meditate or exercise. I did blow up the exercise ball and used it a chair at my desk while I worked. It did make me sit up without slouching and it helped a pinched nerve that I was dealing with on my right side. My day was productive, drama free and peaceful, again the way I love it to be. At lunch I cleaned off a lot of my Facebook friends and pages I followed, as sometimes there is just way too much negativity and drama. I just can’t be bothered with all of that, I am no longer living that kind of life. I am not a person who likes negativity, bullshit or drama at all, not at work, not at home, not anywhere. I hate it and if it starts to be brought to me, I shut down, go completely silent, keep to myself and walk away from everyone trying to bring into my life. The most drama I have in my life is deciding what paint color to choose to paint our house or when I have go to lingerie shopping.
Today I am up early as usual, had my coffee, need my shower and need to eat my breakfast as I am accustomed to doing now. I decided to finally sit down and finish this entry as I started it on Saturday morning after my meditation fiasco and I haven’t gotten to do it. I have every intention to do my job, keep to myself again, do what I need to do and at the end of the day sign out of work, take a hot bath, read my book, maybe play a game on my Kindle Fire and then go to bed. I wanted to go for a walk, I don’t know if that will happen at this given moment, things can change within the few hours that I have before I go into work. For now, I finish this entry and then get my day started as it should be. I am hoping to geg some meditation time in before work and hopefully some of exercise in as well.
Have a most wonderful day peeps.
Have you ever tried to meditate? If so, tell me about it.