It’s a new month for us all!!!
I want to be honest and open with all of you in saying that, I have been so excited about February this year. I haven’t felt this excited since I was young. Seriously though I am in love with this month, I didn’t know why it is this way this year of all years til just now as I write out this out to you all.
February is the month of love, right?
I realize in writing this blog entry, that this is the month that I commit to love myself, truly love myself. No more self doubt, self loathing, self deflating thoughts, just pure love of myself. This is the month for me to look at myself after all the pain, the abuse, the hurt and now the healing process that I need to love who I truly am. I need to not only love myself, I need to embrace who I am, enjoy myself.
I have to admit that I made myself a list of goals in the beginning of the new year that would being about “attraction” of some kind to my life. I am doing my best, to maintain those goals, although my goals were nothing like eat healthier, save money or the “normal” stuff, my goals were along the lines of taking control of myself, my life and my all-around well-being. I will say that it has been a bit of a struggle to be honest, I am shedding layers of past pain and hurts off, as healthy as that is to do, it still hurts to allow peel back the scabs to allow the air to get to the inner wounds that I never attended to.
Every day I am getting stronger and healthier as I attend to my inner healing, which has been my main focus for this year.
At the beginning of the year, I was determined to start with Atkins, low carb eating again. I was determined to lose 10 lbs this past month, guess what I lost 4 lbs total. I am not upset about it, I am not beating myself up over it.
Two weeks ago I was forced to decide to not do low carb eating. I cut my sugar way down, cut out sodas, cakes, pies, cookies, pretzels, potato chips and more. I was using Stevia as my sweetener, I had huge side effects that caused me to stop using it and rethink that low carb way of living. I couldn’t eat for a week, if I did try to eat the food just did not have flavor at all, so I didn’t eat for a week. I was getting bloated, had diarrhea and was nauseous for 3 weeks. I had a severe migraine all week, I was irritable as I wasn’t sleeping due to insomnia and anxiety. My period went out of control too, I was bleeding so heavy that I could barely do much, I couldn’t leave the house without having to bring extra pads with me. I had to take pain medicine to stop the cramping pain that I had felt, which was the worst pain since I had kidney stones in 2016. I was miserable and in pain, I needed to figure this out, as I didn’t go through this when I did Atkins in 2011-2015.
I researched to find out Stevia and the low carb way of living is bad for me, it puts a huge burden on my already damaged kidneys and calcified adrenal glands. Low carb is out, eating and enjoying my food is in. It took almost 2-3 days before I could eat food normally and enjoy the flavor of it all. We started easy with chicken and then went to me being able to muster down a hamburger.
As I took a shower this morning the newest thing that came to my mind for my healing that I felt needed to be shared is body image. As I washed, I took the time to look, feel and notice my own naked imperfect body with its rolls, curves, dimples, stretch marks, cellulite, and scars. When I got out of the shower, I looked at my naked body in the mirrored door that are in our bedroom to accept who I am. That is when the reality came to me that while some people out there, may feel that I am an imperfect woman, in all honesty, I am perfect just the way that I am. I told myself as I looked in the mirror: “Your breasts are beautiful, your hips are beautiful, look at the booty it’s beautiful.” I giggled at myself, put on my robe and I weighed myself, I lost 4lbs, not the 10lbs I had honestly hoped for at the beginning of this year, you know I happy about what weight I did lose, it is what it is. I am done beating myself up mentally over my physical image, it’s my body that I live in. Why not love it and be happy with this beautiful body that I have been given?
This month my focus for myself personally is love myself, love all my imperfections, stop trying to lose weight to make others happy.
I love my entire body and being of who I am. I am a 5’1″ tall woman who is 170 lbs., I am wearing a loose fitting size 16 petite, pair of jeans right now at this moment. This is who I am.
I love the c-section scar that reminds me of that fact, that I was blessed to carry two beautiful children. I love my waist with all the curves that I have as a woman. My thick thighs and my plump ass that Ron loves so much. Yes, this baby has got back alright and Ron loves it all the way. I have been told I have the ass that Kim Kardashian had to get implants to have. Yes, I said it!! I love my 36D cup breasts, they fed two babies when it was my time to do so. I love them so much I bought myself my first ever black lace and red lace bra to fit my breasts in. I love my body so much that I am wearing the clothes that I want to wear that make me feel sexy, the plunging tops that show my cleavage, the jeans that hug my thick thighs and “baby got back” booty.
I love my green eyes that need glasses. As I put on my moisturizer regimen, I looked at my face in the mirror, I love my crooked smile that shows a scar under the right lip due to eating a barbed wire fence when I was young. I do love my crooked teeth, while I do not have the “perfect” straight white teeth that some have, I have a beautiful smile, that radiates my happiness from within. I will be putting on my makeup again, to enhance my beautiful face. I will be joining BoxyCharm again to get the makeup I love so much, regardless of what anyone thinks I should be doing.
I love my natural, wavy, dark auburn hair that I am allowing to grow out, I am done being in mourning and chopping my hair off. When it is long enough I will be getting a perm to enhance what I have already, which is how I love my hair.
I love my mind, as I know I am intelligent, I am strong in mind. I am not the vegetable that doctors told Ron that I would be when I was discharged from the hospital. I can think for myself, make decisions and choices that are my own to make, regardless of what others think I should or should not do. I read books to keep my mind sharp, when I do play online games they are games that make you think. I have been able to go up the ladder more than twice in my career with my employer, I have been able to retain that wealth of knowledge that I learned working in the field of technology. Yes, my memories are limited as far as the hospital visit, they became more vivid and some even came out of hidden places, so my memory bank is healthier I would say. I am more able to control my moods now than I could before, meaning I am not as emotionally unstable as I used to be.
I love where my spirit is going as well. I am not looking for anyone to tell me how to be a witch or spiritual. I am looking at myself, my higher self to tell me what I need to be for me to be happy and fulfilled. I stopped looking at other people’s words and advice on how to be a witch or spiritual as it’s always been who I have always been, I needed to let myself out into the world. I needed to stop afraid of who I am, to let the witch out and let things fall where they will, with my words, my thoughts and my energy that I put out into the Universe. I am no longer searching for outside influencers.
I love the fact that when I was younger I was a very strong willed, strong minded woman who never allowed anyone to influence her. I love the woman who laid dormant inside of me, waiting to raise her beautiful mane to roar out loud, never afraid to tell anyone to “fuck off” whenever anyone gave me their opinion of who they thought I should be. I have thrown off the shackles, thrown off the chains, broke that fucking lock on the flood gates to allow the fearless, carefree, honest, open, bold, brazen, sexy, highly intelligent, successful, strong woman out.
This is my month of self love and I am taking it by storm.