I took a 4-day staycation as I was stressed out and getting depressed. Those 4 days gave me time to release so much pent up stuff, to think, to allow myself to feel bottled up emotions. I got to enjoy life in each moment for 4 days and I intend to carry moving forward in my life. During the 4 days that I took from work, from texting and from Facebook really, I was able to find the last little bit of myself fully. We didn’t leave town, we stayed in town, we went to the Tucson Mall, where I had a makeover done, hair, nails, new clothes and a new tattoo as well.
The crazy thing is that right up until this moment I didn’t realize the makeover was more internal than it was external. I mean I felt “meh” about the idea of having a tattoo done at the mall in a tattoo shop until I learned that is a second location, the original has been around for a while. Still, though it was not until I had the tattoo finished that I came to see things and feel things differently. Yes!! A tattoo did that for me, it’s not so much the tattoo itself as the meaning behind the tattoo and the fact that Ron and I did this together. I got the idea for the tattoo after watching the Andy Whitfield story on Netflix, he was the actor from Spartacus: Blood and Sand, who lost his life to cancer. His wife and himself had matching tattoos that read “Be Here Now” and that inspired me to look up the symbol for “Be Here Now”, I found this one online and looked up the meaning for it. It’s about leaving the past behind, being in the here and now, trusting the journey, not worrying about the future. It’s perfect for me as a septic shock survivor and Ron as my husband who went through it with me.
Over the weekend, I released so much stuff, I let it go, I walked away from the toxic stuff that I was holding onto, all those emotions and feelings. I decided to start with forgiving myself for my own life choices that I held against myself. I decided to forgive others and stop burning bridges. I decided to tear down the walls that I build up so fiercely around my heart and soul .I decided that each moment is to be embraced, even the sucky ones, every moment is ours to use for good and bad, we can choose to take each and every moment that we have on this earth to learn from and improve or we can sit in the muck and mire with depression and bitterness.
I know life does suck royally at times, been there done that. I know that it’s hard not to be bitterness, anger, resentful or full of rage sometimes, I know it too well as I was there. I saw what I was becoming and who I was in my bitterness, my darkness, sitting angry, resentful and full of pure rage and I embraced that dark side so that I could go through the emotions and feelings, so I could heal. We all need to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, bottling them up like I used to do leads to implosions, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and other toxic behaviors. You can choose to face all the inner stuff, face your darkness and allow yourself to go through the emotions and feelings, then allow yourself to heal, don’t just say in that place.
After all the years of pain, the anger, blaming others for my life choices, the bitterness, the pure unadulterated rage that I carried with me, I faced my darkness, my demons, as tacky as this sounds, I made friends with the darkness and demons after that I was able to heal myself. I was no longer afraid to come out of the darkness into the light. I am no longer living in that dark miry muck hole that I lived in with walls built up so high and thick no one could get through to me, no matter how hard they tried. I choose to be happy, to live in the light, to allow myself to express myself truly openly and honestly. I choose to be myself, different than others, not following the pack, instead, I choose to lead or walk alone.
The 4-days that I took to heal myself were the best ones that I have had since I had Septic Shock in 2016.
I have chosen to rise above and be the beautiful, wild, sassy, phoenix of a woman that I am today.
What do you choose?