I haven’t been able to get on here to write much, well that is a lie, okay I have had the time to get on here and write, I just haven’t made the time for myself to do it, is that better? I find “other things” to do and before you know it I am either “too tired” or just not wanting to write, so I don’t. I looked at my paper journal today and noticed in the last weeks, I wrote maybe twice and they were maybe one to two sentences. I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I have been focused on getting my house in order the way I want it, my career, also my home life. Last week Ron had to have oral surgery done, let’s just say I am happy it’s over and hopefully this week we can get some sleep and rest. Kona is going through an allergic reaction to chicken strips that our neighbor bought her, we did not know she has a food allergy until now, so I am taking care of her. Let’s just say last week, wiped me out, I ended up going into the desert area by our house, walking, crying, and screaming out to the Universe, God, Buddha, Allah whatever the fuck you want to call it.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT!! I AM EXHAUSTED! I WANT BETTER IN MY LIFE! I AM GOING TO HAVE BETTER AND NO ONE WILL TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO I CAN DO MORE, I WANT TO BUILD UP MY STRENGTH, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY AND YES PHYSICALLY. I WANT TO FEEL FREE TO WEAR EVER THE FUCK I WANT AND NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE SAYS! I WANT TO DO MY HAIR HOW I WANT IT DONE, FUCK ANYONE ELSE AND WHAT THEY THINK! I WANT TO EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO EAT! I WANT MY FINANCES TO IMPROVE! I WANT MY HOUSE TO FEEL LIKE HOME TO ME!! NO MORE HALF ASSSED ANYTHING!
You get the point, the list went on, with every statement I was throwing rocks, no little rocks either the bigger ones. I was so angry, so pissed off, so fed up. I didn’t realize the full moon was the 9th by the way, so this all took place with the first 3 days before the full moon. With the full moon, I have been sitting outside under the moon, staring at him, talking to him, telling him what I want. Speaking out my words, instead of being so silent as I have been in the past few years. My voice is being heard loud and clear of what I want.
About my career
My focus has been on improving myself at work. I found myself becoming uptight, rigid, non social at work, I mean I know I work in a virtual environment, working from home, I stopped socializing in chats. I didn’t feel as though I fit in with my co-workers, mostly millennials, that is since September 2019 to the current day. I am a quality control coach in leadership and I take that very seriously. I have been given the opportunity to move up once again with my company, moving to a new department. I started a new line of business with my employer, the energy here is different, it’s the same company, different department, same role that I am doing, just different environment, different people, these people have been accepting, more fun, outgoing and less rigid. My goal is to be less uptight, be more passionate, more fun, most importantly loving what I do. I became so focused on my career, that I started to put aside my personal life, I am now where I want to be in my career. I am happy, I am very proud of who I am, how far I have come, and what I have accomplished.
About the house
Now I want to get my house together, I feel as though we have been doing things halfway or I put it half-assed. We start projects, never seem to finish them such as re-doing the office or any other room or our garden area, there is always something else we find to do, which takes precedence over our home. It’s worn on me, it’s pissing me off, I need to get this finished. Our landlords dropped off a kitchen sink to install, it’s sitting in the Arizona room, why? I cannot lift it, I am of no help to Ron when it comes to lifting heavy stuff, this sucks, coming from the woman who used to lift 50 lb. bags of sand on her shoulders to take to customers’ cars.
We are overhauling our house, I have the “spring cleaning” bug, I need to make this house to be what I want it to be. In the beginning when we moved here, I had very little of my own vision of what I wanted in my home. Hell, I still had so many voices in my head from other people telling me how to live, what to wear, what to eat, what makeup to wear, how to style my hair, what decor to have and so on. Since moving here, my mind is much clearer and less clouded, I am able to think for myself. No more listening to everyone else who does not contribute to this household, if you don’t feed me, pay my bills or have sex with me, you pretty much don’t have a say about any part of my life. This is I used to be by the way before I let so many wrong people into my life.
I decided to keep with having the Arizona room, as it’s called an Arizona room, so of course it is painted with deep, rich, desert colors, a rich golden yellow with clay orange-red walls. The next thing for this room is the proper seating, an air conditioner in place, an area rug and plants.
We bought a new sofa outright instead of “renting” it, added a new area rug in the living room. We will be painting the walls sand with sage green accents, with a wood planking wall behind the TV. I will have live plants, shelving and an accent chair as well. I found curtains on Amazon that are light blocking, as well as “plantation” blinds for the windows.
Ron painted my office for me, “Free Spirit” by Sherwin Williams, we are getting a light grey paint for the inlet of my office and carpet tile flooring. I bought a new desk, through Conn’s with the increased credit line that they just gave me. The desk lights up under the shelves where the monitors sit, so I can always turn that on at night when I am working, instead of using the overhead lighting that is in here. We put that together on Saturday with no drama or hassles, I was too exhausted for drama anyway. I will be adding in shelving in my office as well, more plants, maybe a fish tank as well.
Out in the backyard we put some bricks together along the entrance to the patio area to thwart Kona from running like a lunatic through the patio area and thrashing my garden beds, I don’t know if this will work but we can try it. I want to paint those bricks to make them look amazing after seeing ideas on Pinterest and Facebook. I want to finish the patio, plant more flowering bushes for the butterflies, put up hummingbird feeders, oriole feeders and bird feeders, maybe get a water feature put in so it’s my own little zen area. We will get better patio furniture as well, with proper lighting so we can sit out there at night after work, this will help me decompress.
About the physical health side
I have been half-assing my health, since being sick with septic shock in 2016, I stopped eating healthy, with the mindset of “You only live once, may as well enjoy it.” I am the queen of excuses lately, I find ways to get out of taking care of myself. That includes getting up, getting dressed, putting on makeup, doing my makeup, not wearing slippers all the time.
What do I mean by this?
I gave up the Atkins low carb lifestyle back in 2016, gained my weight back, haven’t exercised since moving here last year (no free gym or swimming pool). I make excuses as you can see. I gave up low carbs, to be honest I don’t want to give up my sweets, there you have it!! It’s my own fault, I admit it, I can give them up I just haven’t wanted to, until honestly this past week with all that happened with Ron’s oral surgery and Kona’s food allergy. I got winded and very sore, just walking to the desert, that is ridiculous!!!
Yes, I can join a gym, I don’t want to pay gym fees, I don’t want to drive to a gym, I don’t want to use equipment other people use with their nasty germs and the list goes on. There are my excuses. Yes, there are apps I can download to my MacBook Pro, iPad Pro or iPhone to use, I don’t want to pay for anything to work out with. I can buy a Nintendo whatever they have now or Xbox, buy or download the programs that way, but will I ever use them? I stopped caring about my weight, thinking “EH I was heavy like this before and it didn’t bother as much, I thought I looked HOT and SEXY then, I can get back to that thinking.” Wrong answer!! I cannot get back to that way of thinking. I almost died for goodness sake!!!! I should be taking better care of myself right? This is where the rubber meets the road, I need to stop making excuses, start taking care of myself, no one is gonna do it for me.
I hate that I can’t physically do certain things that I used to be able to do, I get pissed at myself, I start the self loathing, the self attacks, telling myself that I need to get up off my fat ass to work out. Which is true! Now that I admit that out loud, reading my own words, it makes me want to make the change. I guess this the Universe making me see it in front of my face. This is why I don’t write much anymore in my personal offline journal, share online much or talk to people much, once I hear it or see it, I have to change!!! That is who I am.
About the relationships
I decided to unblock people that I had blocked on Facebook. I am tired of the whole mentality that people have come to adopt since the internet took over our lives of “I don’t like you so I will delete you from my friends list and block you. THERE THAT FIXED YOU AND TAUGHT YOU A LESSON DIDN’T IT?” Seriously, think about it, that is the mentality, we don’t agree with others so we delete and block them, instead of being adults and talking it out. Agreeing to disagree, realize that we are all individuals, allowing each other to have a differing opinion, belief or way of life than what we have. Accepting each other for our differences.
With all the unblocking, my mom reached out to me, yes we are talking now. It’s all going good, we are both hopeful that we stay on this path. I don’t speak to my father at this time, because well I wrote him a heart felt letter, he replied with “I don’t want to speak to you further.” Which is fine at this point of my life, whether or not there will be a healing between I don’t know if it can happen, there is water under that burned bridge, I can hope that maybe one day he will realize what he is missing out on. I have a few really good friendships, some great relationships with other people, who started out as co-workers, then became friends, now they are family. I stopped stalking people who I used hold in high regard in my life, who are no longer in my life. It’s not that I do not care for them, there will always be a part of me that does care, I just don’t care about their lives. I am much happier without them, the drama they brought to my life, as well as the roller coast, revolving door, one sided, relationships.
I am building new relationships with new co-workers as well. I am being less uptight, less rigid, more open-minded, less strict with my interactions with others. Allowing others to see me for who I am.
My biggest relationship right now is honestly with myself. I have been taking all my time to be alone with myself, get to know myself and be honest with myself. I am learning to love who I am deep inside. I am getting connected with my higher self so that I can be at peace with myself.
Sometimes you have to step away from the noise of the world, the noise of the internet, the buzzing of other peoples’ opinions, to just breathe, to connect with your higher self. To be honest and open with yourself. To admit your faults and then to change what needs to be changed.
I truly believe with Spring coming upon this is my lesson for this month.