I have been uptight for weeks now, frustrated, outraged and have not truly let it out, until coronovirus hit! I became more outraged with society, myself, with people who I thought were friends, with people who are not friends they are strangers, politics *by the way I side with the Republicans more and more*, family members and the list goes on. I stayed off my blog so as to not spread more negativity, which is my outlet. I played a lot of online games. I have been working, trying to stay focused. I tried to stay away from watching the news, it’s all over Facebook and when I open my browser, a lot of it is fake news and negative crap.
I walked to the desert and screamed at the Universe for a bit, cried my eyes out, it helped for a short time, there is still so much inside of me. When the coronavirus outbreak with the all the shit coming out on social media, the rage is overflowing out of me, quite frankly I want to punch a wall or something to that effect. I have wanted to go back to the desert and scream more. I thought about packing my shit, my dogs and disappear where there is no internet, cell phone or any kind of technology, we all know that is not a realistic way to deal with this, now is it? Here I am forced to face my darkness and face what I am truly, honestly feeling deep inside, I am forced to let it all out and so it has begun. No more holding back.
Yesterday, I posted how pissed off I am at society and myself for our behavior. I even apologized for how I have behaving!!!
“I realized today just how pissed off I am lately!
I am ashamed, disgusted and appalled with myself!
I am much better than this and have really lowered myself!
I am pissed at the way people are behaving, myself included! It’s like we have all stepped backwards to being uneducated, rude Neanderthals instead of educated people who have technology achievements! We all should be better than this nonsense, myself included!
I am pissed at myself for letting this get to me and becoming so nasty. I have resorted to name calling and blowing up lately!
I am not liking this feeling or how I have become!
I allowed myself to get caught up into the politics and the panic driven angry nonsense of society!
I do not want to be this way!
I am removing myself from all drama, arguments, politics and anything that has stolen my joy and peace!
I deeply apologize to those who I have offended or hurt with my words!
I can admit where I have been wrong!
I can only offer my deepest apologies!
I will change my behavior and choose my words carefully as I am also part of the problem!
All the negative nasty ugly stuff I posted will be removed from my Facebook effective immediately!”
This morning I woke up and something inside me said
“OH HELL NO YOU DID NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW YOU ARE EXPRESSING YOURSELF! DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF!”
I am more pissed at myself today for going backwards, retreating and heading back to my safe shell to appease those who want to shut me up because they cannot handle me being raw, real and honest. They want a fake facade that I just cannot give them. I am not about an image to protect, I am more about protecting my own sanity and mental health so I speak out and say what is on my mind!! Not many people do that and they should!!
It’s a far better thing to let it out then hold it inside of you. I am living proof of that as I have done that then I implode and explode and it’s worse than ever! I leave nuclear disasters when I explode and there is no coming back from it.
I was about to shut myself down, shut my mouth, de-activate my Facebook until this is over. Stop communicating at all, because some people would rather me be kind, nice, people pleasing all the stuff that is normally me, they don’t want me to be real, raw and honest.
Some people prefer to see a happy go lucky sunshiny person instead of the people sitting right here typing this out.
Getting this out is what I need to do for me. I don’t do it from anyone else, maybe I do because I am sure there are people out there too afraid to mutter their truth! To even speak their anger out because it might rock the boat or cause an argument or two because today’s society is too much into being a bunch of pansies who cannot handle hearing the truth from anyone. They want sugar coating gum drops with unicorn shooting rainbows from their asses instead of raw honesty.
I will not shut up or shut down any of my social media.
I will post what ever the fuck I want to post, be it funny, be it harsh, be it honest, be it whatever!!
I looked over yesterday’s post and wanted to delete it, I am keeping it up as it’s a reminder of who I do not want to be any more. I don’t want to be the people pleaser who worries about who I am making happy. I worry people won’t like me if I say what I think, well those people don’t matter anyway. I would rather a few honest friends who want me to be honest then fake ones anyway. So if my “friends list” goes way down so be it. It’s sad how we determine how many friends we have by the count that Facebook gives us, which is ridiculous!! Yes social media is great for interacting with others, meeting new people and playing games, some people only add you for games, they don’t give two shit if you are eating a nice dinner with your family or that you got a new puppy or a raise or promotion. The very few real friends on the “friends list” a small handful are real friends. Let’s be real and honest, the hundreds or thousands that some people have are not really your friends, most don’t give two shits and when you are lying on your death bed, sick in a hospital are they sending you flowers, sending you cards for your birthday or anniversary or celebrating your achievements. Prove me wrong.
Watch my words? Seriously why the fuck do I have to watch my words? Why do I have to lay down and be quiet to appease people who offer little to no contribution to my life or my home. I am so over watching my words, my actions and everything about me because people cannot handle the honest and raw parts of me, because they want to see what they want to see and keep me in their perfect little box!! FUCK THAT SHIT!!
I am facing my darkness as it’s just flowing out of me and I am sharing my honest, cut to the bone, raw truth. I am no longer hiding it or pushing it down inside of me, it’s been needing to come out for years. For years, I stifled it and pushed it down, to appease others who told me to “Hush you should be quiet, don’t say that. Shh, you are going to upset someone”, “Don’t say that out loud”, “You are offending someone”, “You are hurting me”, “You are being mean” or the best one is when they say “Harm none”. Let me address “Harm none”, that means not harming myself as well, keeping all this deep inside bottled up is harming myself! I need to heal myself, fix myself and release this or else I am no good to anyone especially myself. Basically put take your “Harm none” and shove it right up your ass!!! If you are offended or hurt then you need to look at yourself, you are allowing yourself to feel that way, I am not making you feel that way. Maybe you need to look at yourself and face your darkness and truth, be honest with yourself and with others instead of being fake.
The way I feel today is if you don’t like what I share or post then don’t look at it, better yet delete me, block me, unfollow me whatever helps you sleep at night. I won’t lose sleep over you. Simply put don’t like it, don’t look.